Process of Illumination

8/8/2012

If you are really interesting in "becoming a more complete ultimate player," then get better at handler defense. That is where you are lacking, Muffin, and that's what the team needs from you this year.

I'm disappointed that my defense was not able to dictate today and bring a higher level of energy, feeling, aggression, intensity.. flat out enthusiasm, be that my body language or team talk.

I can see the plays I missed today, the ones I want back.  Two possible bid opportunities, and I was not able to pull the trigger.  I put myself in position to make a play, anticipated the throw, wasn't in danger of being exploited, and missed the opportunity to hit the B button and get a layout D.  I came off the field, clearly mad at myself for not being "ready" at the moment, and Brenden scoffs, "Man, I dream about those D's."  I reflected, do I dream about those D's? Am I going to bed every night still wanting to get that D?  Still motivated to make that single play which shifts the momentum of a tied game?

I need to make those plays. I want to make them.  I need to see myself making those plays.  Expecting that level of play.  Knowing that I am going to execute next time. Not just anticipating the throw, but anticipating the layout block -- totally ready and committed to giving it a shot.


For the first time in my life, I no longer enjoy ultimate.
It's slowly evolved from being an outlet of energy into to a source of stress.
Playing on two teams has left me at times conflicted and certainly frustrated.
Is a game more important than practice?  Depends on who you ask.

The AUDL kinda sucks.  At first it was novel, exciting and mind-blowing.  Slowly it turned frustrating,  intolerable and finally indifferent.  That's when I doubled-down.  Half the team quit, but I invested more energy into each game.  When I commit to something - I see it through.  I never quit anything once I've started and now I wanted to win.  I made the long road trips, sometimes with barely 13 players and played both ways in the summer heat.  I'm struggling to convey how difficult each game is, but I'll leave it at this -- it was normal to leave my heart on the field.  I tried to do everything, and sometimes that wasn't even enough. Not disappointment, rather resigned to our fate.  Frustrated.  Powerless. Pissed.

Pissed. That's the one emotion I can relate to. When I get mad and focus on a target, everything else disappears.  Anger gives me the ability to focus my passion and use it to my advantage.  Extra energy when I'm tired, an adrenaline kick, a bite your tongue big throw.  It allows me untapped strength and certain conviction.  I received a stronger dose than usual of criticism so far this season, and I'm ready to pop the lid on that can of whoop-ass. Sometimes I'm able to use that negative energy to evoke more emotion and raise my level of play. But when it passes my threshold of tolerance, it begins to weigh on me.  I disconnect, get stubborn and eventually lose confidence and break down.  Sink or Swim? Fight or Flight?

I'm ready to fight.

Losers stop when they get tired..winners stop when they win.

Unrelated, I believe I finally maxed out my throws.  90 yards either way, except for my hammer, which I can't figure out how to throw bigger than 55-60 yards.  Show me the 80 yard hammer.  I wanna add that to my bag of throws.