Friday, August 21, 2009


The Dow tanked. UFSE continues strong!

Buy:

  • Streetgang - Recent merger between competitors should mean a stronger product for consumers in '09.
  • Chase Sparling-Beckley - Best mixed division player. Ever.
  • Next Level HS Ultimate camp - Inaugural year goes off without a hitch. Team synergy in service-based market was strong and immediate. A bargain right now.
  • Alex Simmons - Virtual unknown about to be known. Buy now, but don't tell who gave you the insider info.
  • Carleton College - With coming influx of young national talent, should continue to hold its top spot for the foreseeable future.
  • Madison Club - Head-hunters hire away regional rivals' studs and grow in the process.
  • Doublewide - Current portfolio has them positioned to make big moves upward.
  • Russell Wynne - Currently trading for pennies, but developing innovative technology that will blow away the competition.
  • UPA Communications Director - New executive director signals possibility that next CD may actually stick around a bit.
  • Old People - Maiden GrandMasters championship buys this company a little more shelf-life and relevancy before being being sent to the knackers.
  • Riot - Despite an epic meltdown of their Finals Nuclear Reactor, they seemed to have cleared out the radiation nicely. Acquisition of Gwen Ambler steadies the ship.
Hold:
  • Revolver - speculators have driven up price enough to keep profit margins small, but should meet expectations.
  • Ironside - strong 2nd quarter puts them in line to grab more market share, but showdown with Revolver looms over patenting of moniker "Club Champions"
  • Machine - purchased assets from truck company pennies on the dollar, but mismanagement continues to keep them hovering in place.
  • Furious George - This stock's up-and-down performance makes it a shaky investment in their crowded market, but the payoff for current stockholders could be large.
  • Fury - Latest tournament loss should not inspire a selling panic. Still one of the most solidly performing stocks.
  • Gabe Saunkeah - current inactivity is no sign that this company won't continue to impress when its machines start humming again.
  • Mixed Division - like MySpace or PerezHilton, it's not going anywhere.
Sell:
  • Jam - Much of the upper brass retired with golden parachutes. Stock will rebound eventually, but still trading high enough that a sell at this time can allow a larger buy-in later.
  • Sub Zero - Employee diaspora leaves gaping holes in assembly line.
  • RSD - Old media is dead. New informational feeds and spam clog are rendering it irrelevant.
  • Unempowered Observers - All indications signal that their product will be useless in the future.
  • Plain Jerseys - Sublimation is quietly inching away market share, and consumers are liking what they see.
  • Sectionals Nudity - Product Recall forces company into bankruptcy.

6 comments:

Knappy said...

brilliant stuff. hysterical.

Joaq said...

Buy: Cassidy Rasmussen - After unexpectedly low returns in his second spring, look for partnerships with Wynne and Revolver to improve dividends in year three.

Vector said...

Damn. Be careful when you buy old people. We might look serviceable one minute and just keel over the next.

ulticritic said...

if unempowered observers are a sell them wouldnt empowered refzervers be a buy? And how would you rectify the fact that our current upa bod isnt buying the notion of empowered observers and will likely do all they can to prevent such an aquisition?

Anonymous said...

Watch for It: Refzervers - watching the decline in the attractiveness of unempowered observers to the heavy hitting investors, an IPO is likely to come in nice and low but yield nice returns over time.

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