Monday, December 12, 2005

One Throwdown

Let's do this

Sack Lunch had a poor season this year, incredibly disappointing considering how, last year, they established themselves in Regionals as the third team from the southwest. Their captains probably pissed themselves a little when, after 2004 Nationals, it became clear the Southwest had three bids to this year's Nationals in the open division.

So it must have been terribly disappointing when, as the season progressed, their best player and emotional leader went down with an ACL tear on Naperville's shitty fields, their analogous women's team qualified for natties, and they barely showed up to play in the game to go, having almost lost in the prior round to an upstart Monster squad fueled by Will Arnold.

That being said, it's to both our advantages that this community be able to support two high-level men's teams, and I want to help. Therefore, in the spirit of camaraderie, I would like to propose a challenge to the members of Sack Lunch: Team vs. Team Paintball, Terrordome style. One man leaves type shit, with the losers buying the winners dinner afterwards, or maybe picking up the tab.

There must be, of course, some safety rules put in place so no one gets killed. I'm not worried about my teammates, but there is at least one person on Sack who would kill any number of us if given the chance. I'm not going to mention his name here, but will say only this duder would go so far as to get wasted at his company's holiday party and attempt to make out with teammates of mine on the dance floor in a effort to have us lower our guard. Not fooled. So, here are some ground rules:

  1. No ammunition may be brought in. All paintballs must be purchased at the chosen Paintball arena. Again, for safety. Nothing against 95% of Sack, but I'm going to take precautions to make sure I don't become the next Brandon Lee.
  2. Bayonets are banned.
  3. While the capturing of prisoners is encouraged, not at the expense of the Geneva convention. For the sake of this competition, all captured peoples are prisoners of war and not enemy combatants.
  4. Sack can't whine when they inevitably lose.

This is something that, if successful, could be duplicated nationwide. What better way to bring out intersquad camaraderie than through seeing Mike Grant emptying his gun into Chase's face mask? Who on Pike or Potomac wants a shot at Hinkle? However we as a nation proceed with this bonding opportunity, we must be mindful of the boundaries we create, lest we devolve like the Stanford Prison Experiment and Misha Horowitz stumbles upon Testosterone Man sodomizing Jeff Graham in the woods with the barrel of his Smart Parts Ion, trying to discover the location of Twisted Metal's base.