Process of Illumination

In Pool B, it's gonna be boring until the final round when Indiana and Delaware play Russian roulette to see who drops quicker than the other. Indiana scores one for the Great Lakes, momentarily passing the "Worst Region" baton back to the ME.

Colorado dominates Pool C and thanks Texas for coming. Mamabird will start slow in the Brown game but recover to win. Ohio State rallies the home crowd to beat Brown as they beat them at Stanford. Texas is unfazed by Brown and OSU.

Pool D is rather frightening at first glance, and if you're Williams now's a great time to go to your underwear drawer and put on a new pair of shorts. Here not even a crystal ball could help you, but the stars are crossed this month, which always means point differential. Georgia will surprise CUT early in the morning and get handled by Stanford, which will bring us to Friday's Game of the Day: Carleton looking to force the tie with a win over Stanford. CUT wins, but who takes the pool? Georgia ends up on the ass end of the deal and takes third; Stanford floats to the top. Williams retires the number of that guy who scored Friday's goal.

In pre-quarters, look for Georgia over UNC in the game where Dylan remembers he's at his last Nationals, CUT throttling Kansas, Texas following suit with Indiana, and Oregon completing the trifecta by beating their second OSU of the year. This round will showcase the disparity between quarters teams and the rest.

In quarters Ben Wiggins will be reduced to tears and hysteria as he relives 2003 Finals all over again, with Wisconsin stomping Oregon. Texas, aware of Stanford's consecutive semis appearance, will bow to tradition and move out of the way. Florida now owns Georgia, hands down, so that game won't really be surprising. The game of the round will be Colorado-CUT, and my brain trembles just thinking of the match-up. Such contrasting styles, such difference of strengths. And the history. CUT has simply owned Colorado at Nationals in recent years. CUT is disciplined and short. Colorado is unwieldy and tall. Neither is too deep, and both will rely on their top lines early and often. If the sun is shining in Ohio, Colorado moves on. If it's windy, CUT advances. For now, I see CUT's 4 games weighing down their legs, and Beau finally coming to life and taking over, so my pick is Colorado.

In semifinals one side of the bracket is all huck-n-hope, the other blue-collar business. With the game quickly devolving to monster hucks and athletic play after athletic play, the Colorado-Florida match-up will certainly be entertaining. And with Beau, Jolian, Martin, Gibson, and Brodie on the field at once, the bitchings will come early and often. But Colorado has been doing this shit for longer, and they're more familiar with muscling for victories. Colorado wins the most photog-friendly game of the tourney.

Stanford and Wisconsin will dump and swing until deep shots open up and then will put their speed on display. Breaks will be as rare as black voters at the RNC, but Wisconsin is confident and determined. Despite Sherwood's huge game, Wisconsin pulls away slowly and takes it. Fans scream in excitement and immediately start shotgunning beers as a way of dealing with the fact their dreams have come true. Wisconsin and Colorado will meet in the final, to consolidate the belts with one team.

Wisconsin and Colorado have more history than Pamela and Tommy Lee, and is similarly ugly, with each teams taking turns fucking the other out of the tournament. To explain the excitement with which I visualize this game I'd have to come to your house and have you read this while I repeatedly jam you with Epipens. Callahan-winner Dan Heijmen plays up to his top billing, and Colorado gives everything it has. This game's bigger than Mayweather/De La Hoya. It's what the fans wanted. And it shows Wisconsin's depth and maturity overcoming Colorado's intimidating height and athleticism. Wisconsin wins one of the best finals ever.

And with that, I'm spent. In a moment I'll stand up, legs cramped, from the bathtub I've been sitting in. I'll close this computer, throw the ball into the velvet bag, bury it deep in the closet, and hobble to bed. It won't be a restful night. Layouts and skies will trouble my dreams, and the haunting voice of that infernal orb will keep me tossing and turning. Soon, I hope, I'll again be able to rest.